These Are Not the Tech Founders You’ve Been Looking For…
It seems that almost anyone can be a hoodie-wearing tech founder these days. So, why not the three presenters who made BBC’s Top Gear the global phenomenon and household name we all recognise today? Picture this: Jeremy Clarkson, James May and Richard Hammond in a tech startup. The very thought is both terrifying and thrilling. They’ve conquered cars, adventure, and, let’s be honest, chaos. But how would they really fare as the founders of a tech startup? Strap in because this ride will be anything but smooth, a bit like their time on Top Gear. With those three leading the way, what could possibly go wrong?
Clarkson, Hammond and May Go to Silicon Valley
Our intrepid trio decides to go to Silicon Valley to see what all the fuss is about, descending on the San Francisco Bay Area in a battered old Land Rover. Armed with nothing more than sarcasm and an unhealthy disdain for anything involving an app, they are surrounded by hoodie-wearing twenty-somethings sipping triple-soy, caramel-infused, foam-on-the-side Frappuccinos while explaining how their start-up would revolutionise human existence by making toast-ordering more efficient. Clarkson declares it “the biggest load of overpriced waffle since the Prius,” Hammond nearly choked on the word “synergy,” and May wandered off muttering something about “proper engineering requiring spanners, not seed funding.” After three days of kombucha, beanbags and buzzwords, the trio concludes that the pubs back in England are a far better breeding ground for creativity, and frankly, they could start their tech empire at home, without needing to pivot every five minutes or wear a hoodie to prove their genius.
Ideation
On the plane back to England, Clarkson is the one to come up with the big, bold and utterly ridiculous idea for the startup. In true fashion it is highly ambitious, but rubbish. He starts the conversation by saying, “Why don’t we create the biggest, loudest, most powerful tech company on the planet? And we’ll do it while having a refreshing pint!” His grand, alcohol stimulated vision may be absurd, but it’s filled with promises of disrupting every industry ever, because why not? Clarkson then proudly unveils his new product concept as: Technical Wizardry Accelerating Turbo Systems (TWATS).
Agreeing on a Company Name
Finding a name for any startup can be an intriguing process of thoughtful consideration mixed with inspiration and a healthy dose of creativity. However, when three conflicting personalities sit in the same meeting room, things can become a little bit heated. This process takes quite some time, involving much shouting, extreme waving of arms and launching non-permanent whiteboard markers at each other’s heads. The formal environment of the meeting room is not their natural environment, and May suggests it’s hampering their creativity. Without wasting any more time, they immediately reconvene at the pub, but not before seeing who can draw the most impressive cock on the whiteboard.
A Necessary Intervention
Once in the more natural habitat of the pub, the team are joined by Executive Chairman of the new startup, Andy Wilman, who enforces a mood of calm into proceedings. By focusing minds through the excessive use of profanities and the threat of physical harm, some progress is finally achieved. Wilman’s measured and very reasonable intervention finally steers everyone to conclude on a somewhat predictable but fitting company name. Clarkson then proudly stands before the team to announce, “I bring you the eagerly awaited and soon to be the most successful tech company… in the world… Torque Grid.”
Funding for Torque Grid
Funding, however, is another matter entirely. Clarkson marches into VC meetings with the same overconfidence with which he announces every Ferrari review. He enthusiastically projects a PowerPoint slide on the screen with a single bullet point, “Because it’s brilliant.” He then scoffs at every question about ROI or customer segmentation and his closing line is, “Let’s not get bogged down by the numbers because speed and power solve many things.” His presentation is met by unblinking and frowning stares of confusion mixed with disbelief. The investors, not known for being at a loss for words, are amazed but dazed by the barrage of dialogue, confidence and complete conviction of the presenter, despite not understanding any of it. Until that is, once Clarkson unveils the product concept and the investors see the word TWATS, then they all seem to get it.
Pied Piper Pitch
Somehow, this works because Clarkson can convince anyone to follow him into the abyss with charm, ego and sheer loudness. Investors nod, smile and hand him the cash. Who wouldn’t after a 45-minute monologue about revolutionising every industry? Although more likely, the investors agree to the funding round in despair, to make him stop and go away. As a sign of thanks and a show of commitment, Clarkson promises the investors he will not waste any of their precious funding on buying Teslas for the founders. This is because, in Clarkson’s words, “Electric cars are the automotive equivalent of quinoa; because nobody likes it, they just think they should.”
Hammond, the Charismatic but Reckless HR Lead
Richard “Hamster” Hammond is put in charge of recruitment. Why? Because he’s friendly, personable and everyone’s favourite. He charms candidates during interviews, making them feel as though they’re joining an adventure theme park rather than a serious tech business. “You’ll be in the cockpit of innovation!” he declares, with his usual misguided grin. But here’s the catch: Hammond is easily distracted by shiny objects and makes impulsive hiring decisions. He then hires a professional racing driver to run the CRM system, because “they handle pressure well.” The result? A team that’s about as varied and mismatched as the Top Gear presenters themselves. The office is a chaotic, high-energy mess, with people running in different directions and Hammond simply shrugs and says, “It’ll be fine. We’ll sort it out once we’re going 100 mph.”
Not Dressing Up Like a Startup
Company attire is inevitably a disaster. None of the trio is well known for their discerning dress sense, but their one saving grace is that they all flatly refuse to waste precious resources on company-branded clothing. Clarkson, the only one that keeps a hammer handy “just in case”, nails a crooked sign to the office door saying, “Absolutely No Hoodies… or Kale.” Hammond wears a cravat matched to a waistcoat, Clarkson presents himself in clothes more commonly associated with farming duties (wellies included), and May dug up his old, ill-fitting suit from his first Top Gear series, before reverting to “the” stripy sweater. One, no longer welcome, employee orders new company-branded polo shirts, only for Clarkson to immediately set them on fire.
Product Development and Innovation – May’s Masterpiece
James May is put in charge of product development. Why? Because, unlike Clarkson’s obsession with speed and Hammond’s love of chaos, May is methodical. He’s the one to ensure that the tech product works, even if it takes him double the time. Clarkson constantly berates him for taking too long, barking, “It’s a startup, Captain Slow! It’s not supposed to be perfect. How hard can it be?” May retorts, “Oh cock! Jeremy, the last thing you rushed out of the garage burst into flames!” He spends weeks, then months, agonising over every detail of the product while the rest of the team runs around testing it, often without his approval. “You’re all morons,” he mutters, but the truth is, May is the one who ensures the startup doesn’t collapse under the weight of its chaos. Sometime much later…
Marketing and Sales – The Stig’s Silent Mastery
Enter the Stig. The one person who, quite literally, gets any job done by just staring and without speaking a word. While Clarkson and Hammond are busy grandstanding in the boardroom and May is meticulously fine-tuning the product, Stiggy silently and efficiently handles all marketing and sales operations. He doesn’t need to attend meetings or write any marketing copy, as he simply lets the product performance speak for itself. Need a prospect demo? Silent, unblinking and a master of everything, Stig closes sales deals without uttering a single syllable. The legend of his precision spreads, making him the ultimate marketing tool. Customers don’t need persuasion because they’re too awestruck by Stig’s aura of invincibility. Deals close before they even open, and at the end of every successful sales pitch, the Stig disappears into the night, his job done.
Enter Chris Harris, the Unlikely Sensible One
Fast forward to the stage where the startup has achieved product-market fit with some early success, and it’s now ready for real growth. In comes Chris Harris, as the sensible, no-nonsense car enthusiast. His role? To restore a semblance of balance and efficiency to the company. He brings in just enough common sense and structure to make the company sustainable, without destroying the madness that made it fun in the first place.
Monkey’s Magic
Harris tightens up operations, making sure that the product and marketing strategies are grounded in something real. He reins in the outrageous spending sprees on unnecessary toys, like Clarkson’s demand for a jet-powered office chair. He also, of course, ensures that there are no EV charging points in the company car park. Despite the startup’s tech focus, Harris logically explains, “We don’t want to encourage employees into making inappropriate vehicle purchases, it could harm our hard-earned car credentials. We may be a tech company, but we’re not techies and we’re definitely not boring.”
How Top Gear’s Startup Would Somehow Survive
In the end, would Clarkson, Hammond and May’s startup survive? Thanks to their previous fame, they can attract enough funding and attention to succeed, but not without crashing into several metaphorical and literal walls along the way. Their unique blend of charisma, chaos and unorthodox approaches makes headlines, even if only for the sheer madness of it all. The office is more circus than workplace, but in true Top Gear style, they’d somehow stumble to success, with Wilman lurking in the background, sending daily instructions via text message.
Going Global
There are some spectacular explosions along the way, but with Wilman reining things in, pulling the strings and directing all the action, the startup survives the early frantic moves of the founders. Surprisingly, and against all odds, it begins to grow. Wilman’s strategy, as always, is to keep himself out of the limelight and allow others to shine. He knows exactly when to step in and pull the team back from the very brink of self-destruction. As for the future of the Torque Grid? Once Chris Harris gets involved, it goes global, because underneath all the chaos, there is finally someone who knows how to keep the show on the road. The next stop? A public offering on the New York Stock Exchange.
You may want to read: “Top 7 Tips of a Successful B2B Tech Startup.”
